In my last post I talked about relationships and what I did to get through my "stuff" in order to allow myself to have a joyous relationship. I talked a little about the "imago". I will explain.
I cannot even begin to discuss this without paying credit to the man who coined this term, Harville Hendrix. His books and work were instrumental in helping me to understand my own pattern of choosing the same kind of man over and over and over and over...okay you get it. Why was this? I absolutely HAD to understand this dynamic.
According to Hendrix the "imago" is the partner that we choose that has the negative traits of one of our major caretakers. Now, the caretaker DOES not have to be present in our lives for us to choose a partner with those negative traits. What do I mean by this?
My real father was not present in my life since I was 5 years old, yet I kept getting into relationships with men that were a combination of him, and my step father. Unavailable emotionally or physically, excessive drinking, kept me waiting, would not show up on time or at all, OR would come on strong for the first 3 months and then jump ship. And of course there was my reaction to all of the aforementioned behaviors, because I just wanted to be loved by this very type of man. WHY?
Because that wounded little girl inside me, that I didn't even know existed, was chemically drawn to these kinds of men in order to heal the wounds that didn't belong to anyone except for my real father. I kept subconsciously thinking that if I could get one of these men that were like my dad to really love me, then I would be whole and complete and safe. Wrong! This kind of man was not capable of doing that.
Now the ideal situation according to Hendrix, is when your "imago" partner is willing to look at his or her "stuff" and the two of you heal this together. This is a HUGE "if". I have not found an "imago" partner ever that was willing to stop the dysfunctional behavior and have a happy relationship. So I went in the other direction. I had to make a very very conscious decision to walk away from these kinds of men the second I saw the red flag. Does that make sense?
In other words, the very second a man displayed any of the old patterns, I would walk away. This cannot be done with heart, but with your mind, with discipline. We as women are NOT accustomed to emotional discipline. It's not in our nature. But that is what it takes. Emotional discipline.
Okay, that's it for now. Will chat more later!
Loving yourself is a good thing.
I completely relate to this and chose a partner exactly like my mom (as far as self destructive behavior) and my dad (as far as being emotionally closed off) but since you said you've never seen an Imago partner willing to shift and heal with each other, let me just say the experience I have had with my husband has been the biggest healing experience of my life. We both chose to heal, awaken, learn profound forgiveness, and expand our capacity to love. My husband showed me a side of himself I did not know was there...an unbelievably wise and loving and generous side. So, it can and does happen. Although not often enough.
ReplyDelete